I spent much of last Friday in tears. The actual diagnosis from the day before finally was sinking in. I cried on and off all day and it was big, heavy sobs that I just couldn’t stop. My anxiety was high and panic was sitting below the surface. Eventually I left work because I couldn’t sit in my office pretending to be ok.
I called Todd and tried to explain. I was feeling so sad and heartbroken. He didn’t understand. He was relieved that we had a game plan, and even more so that she has a fixable problem. He was relieved after our urology consult, but the farther we got away from the news the worse I was feeling. In my head I knew everything he said was true. It is a good thing that we know exactly what is going on with her kidney and it’s an even better thing the doctor’s know how to treat her condition. No, surgery is not ideal, but at least we’re not dealing with something that is hopeless. Rationally there is much to be hopeful for.
Yet I couldn’t get there in my head. My heart was flooded with fear. There are so many things that can go wrong between now and surgery to fix her problems. I couldn’t concentrate on the good news because I was stuck in the fear.
I’m afraid the ureterocele will continue to grow and will block the right ureter from draining properly. This is a fear that I’ll carry with me for 13+ more weeks until her due date. Every other week I will go to the Maternal Fetal Specialist and wait to learn if my amniotic fluid levels have gone down, which means things are getting worse. That the ureterocele is growing. I’ll hold my breath as the ultrasound is performed, hoping Dr. Gomez doesn’t say he thinks she needs to come early.
I’m afraid an early delivery will mean a NICU stay. I’m afraid of riding the NICU rollercoaster that I’ve seen other’s endure.
I’m afraid that once she’s here, regardless of when that happens, her wet diaper output won’t be normal, which would indicate that we can’t wait to fix the problem. I’m afraid she’ll need surgery right away.
I’m afraid the tests that will be performed on her at 2 weeks old will be difficult on her little body. I’m afraid of the results. I’m afraid these results will lead to surgery before she is 6 months old like we’re hoping.
I’m afraid for her surgery, of her being cut open and the risks that will entail. Anesthesia for one. Complications another.
I’m already worried for all these possible outcomes, all these possible divergent paths along her road.
So what does this do? It just causes fear and anxiety in me. It doesn’t help Bridget. I know this. If anything, my stress level will negatively affect her. Again, I know this.
Worry if it helps. This is one of my mom’s sister’s mottos. I saw her yesterday and she reminded me of these words.
Worry if it helps.
It doesn’t help to worry.
So I am trying my best to stay positive and to focus on the good. I’m focusing on Thursday when I’ll be 27 weeks and officially in the 3rd trimester. I’m focusing on the fact that Bridget is already over 2 pounds and is growing stronger every day. I’m focusing on the doctors that are monitoring me now and who will be taking care of Bridget once she’s here. They are capable and we are confident in their ability to navigate these choppy waters. And I’m focusing on the love in my life – my three boys, my family and the support network that has surrounded us through these last 7 weeks. I know I’m not alone and I am thankful for that.
I know there will be hard days ahead, but being sad about those now isn’t helping Bridget and they’re not helping her momma. All we can do is today. So today I’m going to delight in her kicks and the love that’s surrounding us.
I’ll do the best I can today. Some days I’ll fail, but some days I won’t. And I’ll just keep hitting repeat every morning. Yes, I wish we weren’t facing any health issues with this pregnancy, but I am thankful it’s not something worse.
I’ll get to meet this sweet girl sometime over the next 3 months. Our family is growing. And that alone is such a blessing.
And as one of my favorite bloggers (Glennon over at Momastery) says: We can do hard things.
We can because we have to. Because really, what other choice is there?
Worry if it helps.