So what am I struggling to let go of?
Our kitchen renovation. It came to yet another screeching halt yesterday. As a recap, the first bump came with designer #1's $6,000 design price tag. Womp womp. At which point we changed directions and found a design-build firm who only charged $500 for the design, which gets refunded back to you if you sign on with them to do your project. I've met with designer #2 over a handful of times. Measurements have been taken. Design plans drawn up. Contractors have come to the house to provide their estimates for plumbing, electrical, HVAC and flooring. All of this was supposedly coming up on budget.
Then, last week designer #2 called to tell me that we needed to increase our budget $7,000 to correct the uneven floor, or we'd have to go with laminate or some other floating floor option, which they weren't really keen on. So I asked for a meeting with the designer, the owner of the company who made this decision and also asked for a breakdown of the budget to see where all the other money was being allocated. I asked for this meeting last Wednesday, but for whatever reason they couldn't meet us until 9am Tuesday morning. Then at 8am that morning I got a call from designer #2 saying they just couldn't do the project and would refund me our money. Apparently she could not get the numbers to work the whole time, even without the $7,000 bump. I never did see a budget breakdown, so I'm still not sure what the real story is. But I took my money back, cried a tear or two of frustration and decided the husband and I can tackle being our own general contractor. This should be a fun adventure.
Then there's my j.o.b. I know, I know, ain't nobody supposed to talk publicly about their job. I get it. But the fact of the matter is that things with my legal job are totally up in the air. I'm struggling to just be chill about the whole thing. I want to know the end result. I want to know where this is going. I want to know the destination. I am really trying to enjoy the journey, but I'm finding that difficult with all the uncertainty. And yes, there was a big thing that happened recently to shake up the uncertainty even more than it already was, but at the end of the day, I'm still employed and I still am bringing home decent money for my family. I'm trying to focus on those things and less about titles and what may transpire down the road. I know I need to let go of the fear around this and just ride it out.
I'm also trying to let go of the speed with which my Beautycounter business is growing. By all accounts I'm doing a great job. I'm only in my 2nd full month and I'm completely happy with my progress, but it's hard to not compare to the speed of some of the other consultants. I see other consultants building their team each day (we have a huge support network on facebook, so I see when someone adds a new member) and so far I haven't recruited anyone. I know in time it will happen, but it is hard to not compare and feel like your'e doing something wrong. I know they may be doing Beuatycounter as a full time job and have much more time to commit to their business than I do, but it's hard to fight off that self-doubt. I am finding that motivation is something you have to give your self on a daily basis. It comes and goes. But I'm trying to remind myself that as long as I keep moving forward, things are good. There is no competition for growing the fastest. I know in my heart that slow and steady is the right and perfect way for me, but sometimes I lose sight of that and want it to happen now.
It's just been an emotional couple of weeks. Everyone in our house has also been sick, so I know that's not helping things. I know I'm worrying my husband - he bears the brunt of it when I collapse and flip the switch from my usual positive self to walking around under the negative dark cloud that sometimes appears. I'm grateful to have him walking beside me and holding my hand when I need it the most.
So I'm going to just keep singing along with Elsa and let the storm rage on. And maybe for 2016 I'll go with Hakuna Matata as my mantra.