Nope, I'm not pregnant. But I hope to be sometime later this year. It has occurred to me that I rarely come across a blog or hear of any one in real life talk about wanting or trying for another baby. I don't know if that's fear of cursing your efforts by saying the words aloud, or worry that you'll be discriminated against if your job finds out that you're planning to expand your family. (While there's this little law on the books about that, we all know that while you may not be discriminated against per se, some employers will change what assignments they give you or slow your advancement once you become pregnant.) Or maybe it's just in bad taste to talk about wanting a child, which means you'll be engaging in that taboo subject called sex!. (I never can remember what Miss Manners thinks on any given topic.)
But the fact of the matter is, we've decided we want another baby. Except for those random moments of fear when I don't. Let me explain.
In my heart I know our family is not complete. I want a big family. I'm not sure where this came from since I never grew up dreaming about children and quite frankly couldn't stand other people's kids until my nephew came along. I never felt very maternal. But then I become a mom and my life changed. Those two little boys are my heart. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them and the joy that they've brought to my life is immeasurable. They bring a laughter to our home that warms my heart and I just want more of that.
I also want to be pregnant again. I want to watch as my belly expands over those 40 weeks. I want to feel that baby roll around and kick inside me. I want to connect with him or her for 9 months before the rest of the world gets to meet him. It is such a sacred time and a huge part of me would be sad to not experience that miracle again.
I look forward to the ride to the hospital with my husband, with the anticipation being almost too much to bear. I want to feel the pain and know that it will be over eventually and the reward will be this baby being placed on my chest. I want to lock eyes with him or her and cry over God's grace and magnificence in entrusting another soul to my care.
But then the reality of children comes whining down around me and I wonder why I think I'm equipped to raise another little one. Many days I'm barely holding on by a thread. I already feel spread thin. I question the majority of my parenting decisions and I typically have no clue if I'm doing anything right by Lukas and Julian. Is the answer really adding another baby to the bunch? Rationally, the answer is no.
But I've decided that there's very little rationale that comes into play in this decision, at least for me. It is an answer wholly from the heart. And it is confirmed every day when I arrive home from work and Julian's face lights up when he sees me and runs around yelling "MAMA, MAMA" over and over again. And in the middle of the night when I wake up to little eyes staring at me and Lukas whispering, "Mama, I just need you." And at bedtime when my singing makes Julian cry and I ask him, "Can mommy sing to you?" and he smiles and laughs but says "No" and then buries his head into my body. And when I'm cooking in the kitchen to the soundtrack of two boys giggling in the other room as they cause mischief together.
While these two boys are more than enough and I realize many women, especially those struggling with infertility, would love to have just these two boys, I'd love to give them another sibling if possible. Who knows what is actually in store, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope a positive sign was on the agenda for 2015.