Monday, March 12, 2012

Am I Lying to Myself?

I sometimes wonder if I'm just lying to myself about the "fact" that I do not want to be a stay-at-home-mom.  And on days like today, I'm pretty sure it's just this elaborate lie I've convinced myself is true in order to not have a mental breakdown.  Because if I'm being honest, today I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with my little guy.

I knew this would happen.  It always does after a vacation.  I've spent the last ten days with my guys.  I loved every minute with them.  We had so much fun and I got baby hugs and kisses all day long.  Lukas is in such a fun stage where everything is so interesting to him and he is constantly learning about the world. Am I missing this by being at work all day?  Am I going to look back and regret this?  I've told myself that its not the amount of time that we spend together, but that we make the most of the time we do spend together.  Quality over quantity.  But is this complete bullshit?  Am I just deluding myself into believing this lie?

It didn't help that on our trip we were with my nephew and my brother.  Lukas and Stuart were so sweet together and I was so happy seeing them play.  I was also sad because I know it's only a few times a year now that they'll be able to play together.  But it was time I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

The happiness captured in this picture is how I want to always feel.  Sheer joy.  And you're not even seeing the joy that is in the face behind the camera.  You can be sure I had a huge smile on my face.


And this one.  The boys playing at the park together.  Wherever one went, the other was right behind.


 And the petting zoo - they both couldn't get enough of feeding the goat.  A memory I'll keep forever.


So I know part of my sadness this morning was not just about being apart from Lukas, it was also due to the  reality of being back home and away from family.  I cried the minute our car pulled out of the driveway at my aunt's house as I was waving to Brent and Stuart.  I'm tearing up now just thinking about them and our trip.  I wish we lived in the same city.  Perhaps one day we will again.

This morning was especially bad because Lukas wouldn't let go of me when we got to school.  He now does this thing where he curls up his legs and refuses to put his feet on the ground if I'm holding him and he doesn't want me to put him down.  He just clings on to my neck and starts crying.  I couldn't just leave him.  So I stayed for a while.  Eventually though, I knew I had to go. His teacher came over and held him while I left.  He was reaching out for me and screaming the entire time.  I cried.  It is one of the worst feelings as a mom - to see and hear your child cry out for you and still walk away.  It goes against every maternal instinct.  But I had to leave because I work, and this is what I've signed up for right now.  But it was terrible.  And I felt like a bad mom, yet again.  The feelings of guilt and questioning came rising up to the surface.

I made some quick comment to Keri, the school owner, as I was leaving about how hard it is to leave when your little man is begging you to stay.   She smiled and gave me an understanding look and encouraging word.  I left and drove to work in tears.  By the time I sat down at my desk and loaded my computer, I had an email from Keri waiting for me.  She wanted to let me know he was happy and already smiling rather than crying.  And she sent me this picture to prove it.


This is why I love Primrose and Keri and the whole crew there.  And so while I am questioning whether or not I'm a liar, I at least feel confident that Lukas is at a great place.  Even if he's not with his momma.  They care enough to make sure I know he is smiling after I leave.

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