I need to say a big thank you to my amazing readers, friends and family. I didn't give y'all enough credit. I thought I would be judged for admitting the truth about my struggles and for the course of action I'm taking to deal. But I should've known that there would be no judgement. The response to my last post was only that of love. And understanding.
I was honestly shocked by the emails, texts and messages I received. As it would turn out, I'm not alone in this. Some of my friends who I have always thought had it "totally together" admitted to struggling with anxiety or depression, or both. Others shared that they too were taking antidepressants. And yet others shared the fact that they were in therapy and wished me well in my own. This outpouring of support has been amazing. So thank you to all of you who have shared your own honest, personal stories with me. It means more than I can tell you.
I've had some insightful conversations over the past week that have truly helped me put things in perspective. Some with friends. Others with my fantastic therapist. I realized that while I have always thought myself to be very open and honest on this blog, I tend to put a positive spin when writing about whatever it is I'm going through. Perhaps without even realizing I was doing it. I try to find the happy in everything. I do believe happiness is a choice and most of the time I choose to be joyful and see the glass half full. Or my writing portrays that. I think in a way I've wanted to believe I could do it all with a smile on my face. I wanted to hide the struggle and the questioning. I wanted to give others hope that they could do it too. I was putting pressure on myself to have it all together. And that's just not what was going on.
The past few months have been a perfect storm of "too much" in my little life. I stopped nursing Lukas, which alone was a highly emotional experience for me. Mix in the change in hormones. Add on extreme pressure at work, being at least 2 men down on our team for a few months, and my busiest month of billing in five years. Throw in worry about my mom being sick (she's fine, we've thankfully just learned) and her and my dad going away on an extended trip. A good mom-friend moved away. All combined with feeling like I wasn't spending enough time with Lukas or my husband and never catching up on the laundry, the grocery shopping, phone calls with friends or partaking in my favorite hobby (writing). The result was just an emotional meltdown.
I am thankful that the antidepressant worked so quickly. I am thankful it was there to get me over the hump. I wish I hadn't waited so long to call my doctor to get the prescription. I wish I had listened to my girlfriends when they urged me to call my OB. Next time I will know not to wait so long. Next time I won't allow myself to feel "defeated" for not being able to handle my mental health on my own. Modern medicine is a gift and sometimes it is needed. This time, in this instance, it was totally needed.
I'm starting to feel more like myself again. I hope/think my post-weaning hormones are getting back to normal. I no longer feel an immediate urgency to change something in my life. My need to make a rash life shift has gone away. Thankfully I didn't act on my swinging emotions without giving myself time to figure out what I really want. I'm not sure what that is yet. But I'm going to keep trying to figure it out.
In the meantime I'm going to give myself a break. I'm going to take off all the pressure and just roll with life and see where we go.