Monday, March 30, 2015

I Should've Known

I've been at this working mom gig for over 4 years now. I should've known better than to make such a silly declaration that I'm "OK" with my current setup. I suppose on the whole I am, but less than a week after writing that post, I had a mini-mom-meltdown and thought how much better it would be on everyone in our family if I didn't have to rush off to work every morning. I had visions of quitting and just being a mom.

This morning was a disaster. Lukas was in tears. I was in tears. And before 8am I had to sit my son down and apologize to him for getting upset with him. I had to ask him to forgive mommy for not being patient with him. And it broke my heart when he said, with tears in his eyes, "Mommy, you made me sad and mad." All I wanted to do in that moment was reverse time. I wanted a do-over. But all I could do was say I was sorry.

I hate that I rush him in the mornings because I need to get out the door. I hate that I expect things of him that I shouldn't for a 4 year old. I hate that I made him cry this morning. And I hate that I won't be the one to pick him up from school today. I hate that our week started off on such a bad note.

I know tomorrow is a new day and I can only try to have more patience going forward. But it still breaks my heart when I realize I'm not being the best mom I can be for my boys. 

And just like that, all the confidence I had in this working mom situation has gone out the window. And so it goes.

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