I'm 23 weeks and 4 days today. So there will be no hard decision to make. Even if we were to get the results tomorrow, and if they were horrible, the time frame would be too short to do anything. I would have one day to make the worst decision of my life and logistically it probably couldn't even be carried out. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm somewhat relieved. I'm probably really relieved. The thought of having to decide what to do if makes my stomach churn. Now I know that I won't have to decide. Yes, there is a sense of relief.
Yet I still don't know if there's a genetic issue. And I don't understand enough about what the microarray is looking at to know what sort of genetic issue we could be looking at. But that's where we are. So I'll continue hoping that Bridget's genes aren't wonky. If they are, we'll deal with it.
So it's time to turn to her kidney defect now that I know the pregnancy will continue. I have been trying to not get too attached to Bridget in the event that the genetic results were awful. I've failed in that endeavor. I'm attached. I have been for weeks. Months, actually. And now that the time clock has run, I am frightened about the course the next 17 weeks could take. I know there's a chance the right kidney could stop working properly. I know there are complications that can occur at any time. So I have tried to not get too excited about her arrival. I have not bought her one thing. I've held pink onesies in my hand. I've taken a pint-sized star splattered sweater up to the register, only to return it to the rack. I've searched big bows on Etsy. Yet I can't buy anything pink yet. I'm so worried she won't get into my hands at the end of this.
I'm normally a glass half full type. I know I should be thinking positive thoughts and believing that everything will be ok. But for some reason, I can't. I am so sad and find myself in tears most days at some point. This is my child. My baby. I want so badly for her to be healthy and I am praying for her health every single day. I am hoping for it with everything I have. Yet I am still so fearful. I don't know how to let go of the fear. I don't know that everything will work out. And no one can reassure me that it will because no one can know what will happen.
The doctor told me to enjoy my pregnancy. I know that a defect in a kidney is small beans compared to some other birth defects we could be looking at instead. But my emotions are flooded and I don't know how to listen to the logic in my brain. I hope to get some comfort at my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I pray he'll give me some good news that will pull me out of this depressive funk I'm in.
I know I am not being the strong mother that Bridget needs. I am not being the mother my boys need. I need to find a way to get past the fear and settle in for whatever may happen. I'm just not quite sure how to do that.
P.S. It has been brought to my attention that this post sounds as though I'm not functioning. Perhaps it was a bit melodramatic. I am functioning on a day to day basis. I'm still working everyday, showering most days and taking care of the boys (although Todd is being super dad, so that HAS helped). So please don't read this as though I'm not getting out of bed on the regular. I am. I'm just not my usual happy self. I'm scared and nervous. But I'm not depressed in the clinical sense. I've been there. I know what that entails and this is different. My tears right now are related to my worries and my heartbreak over what could happen. Although, to be fair, a therapist is probably not a bad idea. So thanks to my dear friend for suggesting it. I'm glad I have friends who say something when they're worried about me. Xoxo